Chloe & Raven (August 2009)

Chloe's new hair clip

Thanks Aunty Jac & Flo for the hair clip : )

A Tribute to our beloved son...

The following is for our special beloved son, Lukas Koh Jun Ler born on 3 Aug 2009 @ 1637hrs and departed us on 3 Aug 2009 @ 1715hrs.

Earlier Jan 2009 I went to a woman clinic in Ang Mo Kio due to yeast infection and during the check-up the lady doc did a scan for me and a urine test and discovered that I was pregnant with our 3rd baby. I was shocked and breakdown into tears as we didn’t plan or intend to have a 3rd child. I rang up my hubby and discussed whether we shld carry on with this pregnancy since is our 3rd baby and both physically and financially we not sure if we can make it or not. I was surprised that my hubby's reply was "of course we keep this baby". We shared the news with our parents and friends and all of them suggested that we should keep the baby since it’s god’s gift and we should not destroy a life so our final decision is keeping the baby.

I always enjoy pregnancy despite the fact I will grow out of shape but the excitement is always there when you 1st know the sex of the baby and the first kick etc. Of course I can eat all i want and majority of the ppl will not stop me as they think is eating for TWO..

Before the pregnancy I was down with flu and bad cough and having taken so many medications, I afraid it might affect the fetal so I tried to cut down on medication finally the cough went away after almost 2-3mths of coughing...

We decided to go back to the same gynae at Gleneagles who delivered our 2nd baby.
Unfortunately things didn't turn out well, during the 1st trimester routine ultrasound scan the gynae advised that the neck thickness of the baby is thicker than normal baby and also he doesn't have a normal nasal bone structure. This worries me again, as gynae advised that such baby normally are Down syndrome baby. The only thing I can do is amniocentesis.

As I was only 17 weeks and they are not able to perform this procedure as the amino level is a bit low at this stage and thus I have to wait for another 2-3 weeks before the procedure can be done. During the waiting period it was a torture to me, in my mind I was thinking what if he is really a Down baby, shld we terminate this pregnancy or carried on? As I know I won’t be able to cope with a Down baby. Discussion was hard again, my imagination went wild and the only thing I could do is crying while waiting for the scheduled appt date i.e another 3 weeks to do the test.

Before the scheduled appt, I have bleeding, again, it worries me again. Could it be miscarriage? So that night I went to KK Woman 24hr clinic, the doc checked the fetal heartbeat and it’s normal. I bleed because of low laying placenta. So they prescribed some medication and after 3 days the bleeding gone.

The long wait for the scheduled appt for the amniocentesis has arrived. The test was simple; they put in a long needle into my stomach and draw out some amino fluid and sent to lab for test. Again the wait for the result was almost 2-3weeks. During this period all we can do was pray to god.

Finally result is out, and is NEGATIVE! We are so happy and overjoyed our baby is normal and we going to have a baby BOY!

We start our shopping list for baby clothing, toys, mittens, booties. We even named him as “Lukas Koh Jun Ler”.

My weight keep going up, I again almost 4kg every month and my tummy is so distended till everyone thought I going to have twin/triplets. I didn’t really bother about the big tummy as I thought since this is my 3rd child maybe my skin is more stretchable.

However during my routine gynae check-up, the gynae noticed my extreme weight growth and asked to watch my diet. I tried to cut down on my food intake but it doesn’t help, weight still keep growing up and my tummy gets more distended. The weird thing is I don’t really feel the baby kicking and punching.

But things wasn’t as smooth sailing as we thought it would...during one of the routine ultrasound scan when I was 28 weeks, the gynae told me the water level is abnormally high and the baby heart although is pumping regularly but also showing sign of water, and the worst thing is the water has gone to his lung. And also the baby skin is swollen.
The medical term they used is HYDROPS/SKIN EDEMA

The gynae advised that such baby normally don’t survive to full term as they might die inside the womb due to heart failure or other complication. Or even if they are born the baby might not have a high chance of survival. What can we do now? The gynae say there is nothing we can do now, just wait for the water bag to burst and baby to be delivered out, or maybe he might not even survived till term.

In the meantime, he sent me for various blood tests to find out the cause and only from the findings they might be able to find a cure. But normally according to him there are a lot of unknown causes and thus might not be able to find a cure.

We were so sadden by this news, how come it is always my baby who has so many problems. Problem after one another, Why me again?

I wasn’t convince with my gynae answer as I believe that medical science is so advance nowadays and I don’t believe there is no cure for my baby.

So at 30 weeks gesture, I went to KK Woman hospital for 2nd opinion. The gynae in KK Hospital arranged for me a detailed ultrasound scan and the same diagnosis applies. However he told me that some time miracle might happen as they have cases where the water might just go away when nearer to birth, but whatever it is we have to do prepare for the worst but they will try their best to save the child once he is out. He suggests I should wait till 37 weeks and go for cesarean.

During this period, my emotion was like roller coaster, I cried whenever friends and colleague asked abt my pregnancy progress. Friends, Relatives and Colleagues console me and say I should look at the bright side maybe things won’t turn out that bad after all; my little Lukas will be saved.

I was helpless; the only thing I could do was go temple pray.

On 24 July 2009, 2.00am I woke up because my back was so aching that I can’t sleep, my tummy was having some funny cramp. So I woke my hubby up and we decided to go KK Hospital. When we arrive at KK Hospital, I was directed to the delivery suite and at the observation room I was stripe up with two belts. One was to monitor the baby heartbeat and the other was contraction indicator.

They nurse told me I have contraction and since I’m only 33 weeks, thus is a pre-term labor.

Oh my god, in my heart I was thinking is Lukas going to come out now? I was wheeled to one of the delivery suite room 23 and again I was belted up with the heartbeat monitoring device and the contraction indicator. The nurses were busy putting up the drips. The drips were supposed to stop the contraction. The other nurse was preparing a jab to mature the baby lung in case if I really need to go into labor.

The night was really a tortured; I can’t sleep as I was stripped up with the devices and drips. I not able to go to the loo and have to use bed pan. The whole night my hubby was beside me. The night was long, the contraction went off in the morning and the baby heartbeat was normal. However they kept me in the room for observation since I’m just 33 weeks and I’m having a high risk pregnancy and having the Fetal Hydrops problem.

On 26 July Sunday afternoon I was transferred to the normal ward and again was transferred backed to the Delivery suite in the night (This time was room 17) for observation again as I was having contraction pain again. Again, I was on drips and stripped up with the devices.

On 28 July, they arranged a ultrasound scan for me to check the amino level. They result was not good, my amino level was 25 (normal shld be below 16) and also the water level in the baby lung is so extremely high and he was very bloated. So they arrange to perform a procedure for me i.e to reduce the amino fluid and also to tap out the water from the baby lungs. So I was wheeled to ADC for amino reduction and pleura tapping. The procedure was to insert a long needle and draw out the excess amino water from my tummy and also another needle to draw the water from the baby lungs.

Before they start the procedure, the Doc told me that the result might not be good as the chest wall of the baby is very thick and they afraid the needle might not be able to reach the area where the water needs to be drawn out. Even if the water drawn out the water might re-accumulate again. However, they will try their very best.

I was made lay sideway and I was given some local anesthesia to numb my tummy before they insert the 1st needle to draw out the water. I could feel a tube like thing in my tummy sucking the water, and I could hear the pouring of water. The next step was the pleura tapping. Another needle was inserted and this time I could really feel the pain and I felt very uncomfortable. The whole procedure took 2hr to complete. I felt that my distended tummy has loosened a little bit. They drawed out 3000ml of amino fluid from my tummy.

After the procedure I was wheeled back to Delivery Suite Room 17 for resting and baby heartbeat monitoring. As for the result they will need to do another ultrasound scan on 30 July (Thursday).

On 30 July I was scheduled for another round of ultrasound scan. This time my water/amino level has dropped to 16 (I was so relived). However it was not so lucky for the baby, his water level did not decrease but worsen. His little lung was compressed by the water around the lung.

I felt so helpless and depressed; the procedure did not help my baby at all. They arranged a lady doctor (Dr Lee) to speak/explain to me in regards to the scan. She explained to me and say that they have done what needs to be done but the result is not good, so she told me to prepare myself for the worst but she assured me that the baby's doctors will be there to help when the baby is out.

I breakdown and cry, I told her to pls end this pregnancy for me; I do not wish to drag on anymore. Whether now or later, the baby still not in good shape. And the worst thing is if I drag longer there might be more problems arise.

She understand how I feel but she explained that if I bring the baby out now, I have an added risk i.e premature as I’m only 33 weeks. But I told her I really don’t wish to drag on, I can’t leave the hospital, I missed my two children at home and the worst thing is I not sure If the baby can survive or not.

Dr Lee was kind and emphasized about my problem, she start calling various personnel for their opinions and comments (i.e Gynae, Baby's Doc) because she want to ensure that the medical personnel is available for my planned delivery so that they can assist to attend to the baby once he is out.

So we decided to go for a cesarean session on Thursday, 6 Aug.
In the meantime I was transferred to the normal ward (Ward 34 Bed 3) while waiting for the “Big” Day!

Discussion was hard, but I need to make this decision because I can’t probably stay in the hospital till I'm 37 weeks. The only thing I could do now is pray to god to have mercy on my poor baby.

On 3 Aug morning, during the normal routine baby heartbeat tracking, the nurse say the machine shows the baby heartbeat failing at some interval time. I was again wheeled to Delivery Suite 17 for drips again! At around 3.45pm Dr Lee came and check on me, she saw the baby heartbeat chart and say the heartbeat of the baby is not very regular and normal, so she suggest I should go for a urgent cesarean session NOW and should not wait for Thursday.

Oh dear I wasn't prepared, the moment the nurses was preparing to bring me to the Operation theatre, I was shivering. I quickly called my hubby to come and told him I need to go for an urgent cesarean. I was made to sign various declaration forms and blood was drawn out from my hand and the next moment I was sent to the operation theatre. They administer the epidural to numb my lower body and the next minute my lower body was not within my control. I lost control of my lower body. They did a test on me to check the numbness level and after confirming, they start the operation.

I could feel pulling and tucking and the next thing is the nurse told me “the baby is out and we are they are now cleaning up and doing the stitching”. My 1st question was “Is my baby alive? Why I don’t hear him cry?” The nurse told me he still has heartbeat and the baby's doc has took over.

At this very moment was happy yet worried. Happy that I heard they told me he is alive. Worried because I didn’t hear any crying?

When I looked at the wall clock is 5pm. They have done the cleaning up and they sent me to the recovery room. I was worried, how come no one came and tell me how my baby is doing? On the other hand I was shivering (not within my control), I just keep shivering.

Finally I saw my hubby, the 1st thing I ask him is “How is the baby?” He replied: He passed away; doctors tried for 45mins but could not save him (Due to harden of lung). I breakdown into tears. Why all the prayers were not answer? Why he wasn’t given a chance to live? Why! Why! Why!

I can’t help by burst into tears and the nurses and my hubby was consoling me. After I managed to control my emotion, they sent me back to the normal ward.

That night (3 Aug) was really the darkest day of my life. I just lost my beloved son. I didn’t even given a chance to see him. That night I was having physical and emotion pain. I can’t believe I just lost him. It was too sudden for me to accept. Friends and relatives consoled me.

My hubby was there for me, I know he is sad too, I saw tears in him too. He did all the paper work with the hospital and he also look for funeral services. He intend to sea buried our beloved son. He asked me if I would like to have a last look at our beloved son before he is cremated I told him NO I don’t want to see him, caused I have no courage to face him and I’m afraid that I can’t control my emotion.

On 4 Aug morning after a long night of thinking I msg my hubby and told him I changed my mind and I want go to mortuary with him to collect our son body caused I don’t want to regret for life that I didn’t even have a last look of my beloved son.

I was wheeled to the mortuary, when the person in charged took out my son body (wrapped up in a white cloth and resting in a white plastic crib) I immediate burst into tears. They put him on my lap; I could feel his icy cold body. He looked so peaceful and angelic. I can’t control my tears as I called out his name. All I could do is apologized to him that I’m sorry that I can’t save him and let him see this world. My hubby who is beside me couldn’t help but also break into tears.

About 20mins later the funeral service guy took my son body and advised that he will be cremated at Mandai crematorium this afternoon at 6pm. According to the Chinese customary we are not supposed to hold any special ceremony for him after the cremation or else he won’t be able to rest in peace and proceed for recarnination.

I discharged from the hospital on 6 August.

Everything happened so sudden, whenever night falls, as I closed my eyes I still can remember our son Lukas’s angelic face. Tears will just naturally rolled down.. He will always be our son.. and he will always be remember. We are love you!

I would like to thanks my hubby for being there for me all these while during the darkest period of my life, rain or shine he will come and visit me during my hospital stay (bring me food, looking after me and consoling me) and also all my friends, colleagues and relatives for their kind concern/support and always being there for me

Till now this question is still in my heart, could it be my decision to bring him out at 33 weeks plus that I killed my own son?

Life goes on but memory will not fade... One day, Mummy will meet you in heaven :)